Finding Balance in Family Dynamics: When Fairness Isn’t Always Equal

Family life is a constant dance of adjusting, learning, and unlearning. One of the greatest challenges I’ve faced is maintaining balance—not just within our home but within myself.

And if I’m being honest, I haven’t always been great at it. In our family, we’ve had to work really hard at maintaining things in a way that is just instead of equal. Equal suggests that everyone gets the same, but the truth is, each person in our family needs different things at different times.

Ndalo remains the kid who wants to be attached at my hip even now at the age of 5...

Ndalo, my youngest, is deeply in tune with her emotions. She moves through them with full expression and a determination to ensure she is heard. Lwandle, on the other hand, tends to retreat into himself. He won’t ask for much, happily taking the back seat until his emotional tank is running on empty—at which point, filling it up again requires a lot of time and intentional effort.

"When we take care of our own needs, we show up as better, more present versions of ourselves for the people we love."

Somehow, I see myself in him. I’ve realized that I do the same. I pour everything I have into my family—every ounce of energy, every moment of my day—until I’m running on fumes, often feeling resentful toward Nic (and, if I’m honest, the kids too). The exhaustion creeps in slowly, disguised as love and sacrifice, until it suddenly manifests as frustration.

Nic, however, has always been the one who finds balance. He makes sure his own needs are met before diving into the chaos of the day. He wakes up, showers, and drinks his coffee before attending to anyone else. It’s the classic "put your oxygen mask on first before helping others" principle. And I get it. In theory, it makes perfect sense. But in practice? I struggle.

With all the changes our family has gone through this past year, I’ve receded even further into old habits—ignoring my needs in favor of making sure everyone else is okay. And as we approach the end of the first quarter of the year, I realize that something has to shift.

I don’t just want to teach Lwandle to express himself when he needs something—I need to teach myself too. I need to model it for him. I need to unlearn the idea that taking care of myself is selfish and replace it with the truth: I am better for my family when I am whole.

But how do we actually do that? How do we become more mindful of how our family dynamics play out and ensure that everyone—including ourselves—is given fair priority, even if it’s not always equal?

Observe Without Judgement

Take a step back and notice how each person in your family engages with their emotions and needs. Who tends to express themselves fully (like Ndalo), and who retreats until their emotional tank is empty (like Lwandle)?

Are there unspoken expectations placed on certain family members? Is someone, including yourself, being overlooked?

Keeping a journal or making mental notes can help you see patterns you may not have noticed before.

Recognize and Validate Different Needs

Fairness in a family doesn’t mean giving everyone the same thing; it means meeting each person where they are. Some children (or even adults) may need more reassurance, while others need more independence. Instead of striving for equality, ask yourself:

• What does this person need right now?

• How can I create space for them to receive it?

For example, if one child naturally takes up space and another tends to withdraw, be intentional about making room for the quieter one to be heard.

Create Individual Check-Ins

Life moves fast, and it’s easy to assume everyone is okay when they’re not voicing concerns. I’ve learned that my son won’t always tell me when he needs me, so I need to create opportunities to check in.

• It could be a five-minute chat at bedtime, a car ride, or a weekly ‘coffee date’ with your partner.

• The goal is to create intentional time where they feel seen and supported.

This is especially important for those who don’t naturally demand attention but still deeply need it.

Teach (and Model) How to Express Needs

If you're someone who often gives to others at the expense of yourself, you might have unconsciously taught your children to do the same. Learning to ask for what you need and teaching your family to do the same is a game-changer.

Some ways to encourage this:

• Use language that normalizes asking for help: Instead of “I’m fine,” try “I’m feeling really tired today; I need some quiet time.”

• Help kids identify their feelings and needs: “Are you feeling overwhelmed? Would it help to take a break before we talk?”

• Make self-care part of the family culture: Have a ‘quiet time’ where everyone does something for themselves.

Prioritize Yourself Without Guilt

This is where I struggle the most. As parents and caregivers, we often put ourselves last. But taking care of yourself isn’t just good for you—it benefits the entire family. A depleted version of you can’t fully show up for your loved ones.

I’ve been reflecting on the ways Nic does this so naturally. He doesn’t wait for permission to meet his own needs, and I admire that about him. So I’m learning to make small adjustments:

• Setting boundaries around my time.

• Making space for things that bring me joy.

• Starting my day with something for me before giving to everyone else (even if it's just five minutes of stillness).

Be Flexible and Adjust as Needed

Family needs shift over time, and what works today might not work next year. Stay open to reevaluating how your family operates and making adjustments as needed.

You might have seasons where one person requires more attention, and that’s okay—as long as over time, everyone gets their fair share of presence and support.

Final Thoughts

Mindfully managing family dynamics requires ongoing effort and reflection. But when we become intentional about how we engage with each other, we create an environment where everyone feels valued—including ourselves.

This year, I’m committing to making space for myself and modeling that for my children. To ensuring my son learns that his voice matters just as much as his sister’s. To finding a way to pour into my family without emptying myself in the process.

So, if you’ve been feeling like you’re giving everything and still running on empty, I see you. Let’s commit to filling our cups first—so that when we pour into the people we love, it comes from a place of abundance instead of depletion.

Peace and love eFamily.

Dawn